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Things Your Therapist or Coach would Want You to Know

Since I began working with people, I’ve also undergone a profound transformation. Every client interaction has offered fresh insights into myself and human relationships, challenging me to better understand my motivations, triggers, vulnerabilities, and strengths. These experiences have taught me a great deal, and in this post, I want to share some of those insights—things I believe, and many therapists and coaches would agree, are important for clients to know about the therapeutic and coaching journey.

I Can’t Fix You & I Will Not Work Harder Than You

A therapist friend once shared that he tells all his clients, “I won’t work harder than you,” from the very first session. This resonated deeply with me because it encapsulates a core understanding I have: the journey of growth is something we each must actively engage in. Many people approach therapy or coaching passively, expecting results simply because they’ve paid for the service. They may hope for quick fixes or for the practitioner to “show them the tricks” that will magically solve their problems. But here’s the truth: no one can restore us to our true selves. We can’t be “fixed” like a broken object. Transformation is not about fixing something—it’s about personal engagement and doing the work ourselves.

I’ve had the most success with clients who are ready to meet me halfway—embracing discomfort and taking small steps outside our sessions. Whether it’s engaging with the recommended homework or adopting habits that foster self-awareness and well-being—anything that helps them move forward in a way that aligns with their goals. Even during low-energy moments, such as those brought on by loss, depression, or anxiety, we can still take deliberate steps forward. The decision to seek therapy or coaching is often the first brave step, one I always applaud.

But it’s crucial to remember: we are responsible for our own lives. I am here as a guide, a partner, and a mirror, offering support, attention, and knowledge to the best of my ability, all while continuing to learn and grow myself. But I can’t do the work for you. I can’t remove your suffering, erase the challenges in your life, change your past or present circumstances, or carry the weight of your emotions. My role is to walk alongside you, helping you explore, understand, and empower yourself to create meaningful change. The work and transformation are ultimately yours to embrace.

Believing I could fix you and working harder than you would create an unhealthy dynamic. The truth is that we must take responsibility for ourselves if we want change. We need to act differently, work with our feelings and thoughts so that they can support us in this journey, and challenge ourselves to take responsibility for our lives. No one else can make the effort for us. It is within you—whether you see it or not—that power to adapt, to do difficult things, and to grow. Your efforts reveal a strength you may not yet recognize. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a reaffirmation of your ability to shape your life.

This sense of power and fulfillment can’t come if the other person does the work for us. If therapists could truly, magically fix people, those people would remain constantly dependent on these repairs. And, worse still, their lives would become narrower, for they would lose the variety and wholeness that the reunion of opposites brings; they would lose the profound meaning that comes with integrating various life experiences.

Stepping Back: Empowering You to Lead Your Own Journey

This point is related to the one above. When I meet a new client, many possibilities come to mind regarding the direction our work could take together. Of course, this is necessary to some extent so I can approach the situation strategically. However, I’ve realized many times that what I think would be useful for a person isn’t always so, or isn’t in the form I conceptualize. Human beings are very complex, each person is unique, and therefore, each approach must be individualized. What the therapist part of me might consider the next logical step has often been contradicted by the client’s inner world. Sometimes, a person may be deeply moved by a sentence, an exercise, or something they notice about themselves for the first time. If I held onto my plan, I wouldn’t leave room for these moments. 

That’s why my approach is to put the person’s needs first, while ensuring that we stay consistent with the therapeutic or coaching goals and return to them even if detours are made. This way,working the person is empowered throughout their journey and can hopefully feel free to be present in the moment and explore what is relevant for them. I don’t like reducing a person to a theory or a single model, and the process of working together doesn’t need to follow a linear path. In my work with people, I allow them to pave their own way, expressing what they need at each moment, and what would make sense for them now. Often, this in itself is liberating and healing, as many of us didn’t have this freedom in childhood or in later relationships.

Boundaries Are a Form of Care & Compassion as Well (Both for Myself and My Clients)

Boundaries are essential in all human relationships—not just between people, but also in how we relate to things like social media, our phones, food, shopping, and more. In the context of therapy or coaching, boundaries are crucial for creating a safe space conducive to healing and meaningful change. However, many people find it challenging to set boundaries, often because their boundaries were violated in the past—typically during childhood—and they never had a model for healthy boundaries.

In both therapy and coaching, boundaries come in many forms. Sessions occur within a defined time frame, and there is a reciprocal exchange: the therapist or coach offers their attention, knowledge, and skills, while the client compensates for these services. Policies regarding communication outside of sessions may vary from professional to professional, but it’s generally recommended to keep it to a minimum. Some professionals may send resources to support the client’s process or allow for emergency in-between session contact, but beyond brief communications about scheduling or materials, additional contact is typically discouraged. 

These limits help maintain a clear structure and ensure that both the therapist/coach and client can focus on the work within the agreed-upon framework, respecting each other’s time and personal space. They also create a sense of safety and predictability, allowing for the most effective and focused engagement during sessions, while also supporting both parties in maintaining their individual well-being outside of the therapeutic or coaching environment.

From an ethical standpoint, it’s also crucial that a therapist or coach and their clients do not have a relationship outside of sessions, or what is called a dual relationship. While some regulations allow certain types of relationships after a period of 5 to 10 years, this is still generally discouraged. These boundaries protect both the specialist, as well as the client’s well-being. They help establish a stable framework and contain the client’s experience. Additionally, relationships that form outside of sessions would inherently carry a power imbalance that could be detrimental to the client or former client, regardless of the time that has passed.

No matter how close the bond may grow between a therapist or coach and their client, it’s important to remember that we cannot their friends, lovers, or saviors. We are here to support the client’s growth and independence. A client who is exposed to boundaries may experience, for the first time, what it feels like to have boundaries set with care and for their benefit. This experience can empower them to establish their own boundaries in the future.

Boundaries are a necessary and natural part of even the closest relationships. Unfortunately, many people have never witnessed boundaries being modeled in healthy ways. For some, boundaries have been associated with punishment or a lack of love. Perhaps they had a parent who expressed love by constantly sacrificing their own needs, or they received the implicit or explicit message that caring for others meant violating one’s own boundaries. Others may have suffered abuse and never learned what healthy boundaries even look like.

For many, when their own boundaries were never respected, it becomes difficult not only to say “no” but also to respect the boundaries of others. Regardless of the situation, healthy boundaries are a form of care—both for ourselves and for others. I now see them as an example of fierce compassion.

Healing Takes as Much Time as it Needs To.

Full disclosure: I’ve been there. I’ve tried everything I could: different therapies, techniques, retreats, intensives, hoping that one day I would be free from certain wounds. That I would become a different person, free of suffering and uncertainty.

It wasn’t like that. Along my journey, I also encountered professionals who judged me for how long it took me to overcome certain things. At that time, I believed them. I thought something was wrong with me.

Today, I know better. The more I ran from the pain, the more I resisted it and judged it, the harder I made the process for myself. What I’ve learned is that, more than anything, my pain needed to be seen and expressed, witnessed for as long as necessary. Any desire to rush the process was an act of self-rejection. Only by being present with the pain and befriending those parts of ourselves that suffer can we truly heal.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll always be overwhelmed by it, nor does it mean that you won’t be able to live the life you want. In my approach, part of the healing process is learning to sit with the pain, give it a voice, and also define the life we want to live, moving toward it. Just because we experience anxiety, depression, trauma, and so on, doesn’t mean we have to stop living, avoid life, or shy away from what matters to us. On the contrary, by moving forward and building a life that makes sense to us, we heal, we discover more resources within ourselves. The truth is, we’ll never completely resolve 100% of our issues. Life is a fluid process, with ups and downs. And there are things that may be painful for a long time. Like the loss of a meaningful person, relationship, role, the loss of who we used to be. As someone once said regarding grief: You don’t grow out of the grief. You grow around it, you become bigger. You build a wider life beyond it and learn to contain it better. You acquire the necessary inner and outer resources to deal with it in another way and to generate more self-compassion.

Some tears need to be shed. There are certain things we cannot change or control. There are struggles we face that require adaptation

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll always be overwhelmed by it, nor does it mean that you won’t be able to live the life you want. In my approach, part of the healing process is learning to sit with the pain, give it a voice, and also define the life we want to live, moving toward it. Just because we experience anxiety, depression, trauma, and so on, doesn’t mean we have to stop living, avoid life, or shy away from what matters to us. On the contrary, by moving forward and building a life that makes sense to us, we heal, we discover more resources within ourselves. The truth is, we’ll never completely resolve 100% of our issues. Life is a fluid process, with ups and downs. There are experiences that may remain painful for a long time. Such as the loss of a meaningful person, relationship, role, or even the loss of who we used to be. As someone once said about grief: ‘You don’t grow out of it. You grow around it, becoming bigger. You build a wider life beyond it and learn to contain it better. You develop the inner and outer resources needed to cope with it in a new way and to cultivate more self-compassion.

Some tears need to be shed. There are certain things we cannot change or control. There are struggles we face that require adaptation. But the more we get to know ourselves, the better the relationship we build with the different parts of us—both in our good moments and in our harder ones—the more we learn to nurture ourselves, to move toward what matters, the more we’ll discover that our lives feel more fulfilling. Despite difficult moments, we can thrive.

So, if you find yourself in this process now and wonder how much longer it will take, I invite you to pause for a moment. Acknowledge the pain you’re feeling, and recognize how difficult this must be for you. Celebrate the effort you’ve put in so far, and give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. At the same time, realize that even with this pain, even with these wounds, you can still live a life full of meaning. Don’t hesitate to ask for help and give yourself permission to receive the support you need. Speak about it, write about it, paint it, draw it, sculpt it, sing it, dance it—don’t see it as something wrong with you, or as a glitch in the system, but as something that needs your attention and care. As well as something that needs to be seen and expressed, something you need to be with.

You will never reach a point where you have it all together. But you can still do what matters to you.

Invest Time in What Really Nourishes Your Soul

Nowadays, it seems everyone is fixated on productivity, efficiency, numbers, and the next step that will propel them higher up the ladder—helping them make more money, gain more success, and so on. Undoubtedly, these things have their place and utility. Yet, I find that many people, whether they realize it or not (and this is not a new issue—authors throughout history have addressed it), are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t recognize what truly matters to them at a deep level. They don’t know what nourishes their soul, what they deeply desire, or what they would do simply for the joy of the process—without worrying about the outcome or how much money it might bring.  Instead, they have internalized what others- their parents, mentors, friends, colleagues, and society overall has presented as valuable.

Or perhaps they do know what they want. They even have vivid dreams about what they would do if they had more time or if money were no issue. But they either procrastinate, fail to prioritize them, or dismiss them as unimportant, feeling guilty for focusing on them. They fear failure, believe it would be childish to engage in such activities (as they were told by society), and as a result, don’t give those dreams the time or attention they deserve—if at all. It’s not simply a matter of being too busy; even when they have time, they often choose to do anything else but what truly matters to them. 

There is a lot of pressure in our everyday lives today. At the same time, there are many distractions. Yet, we are also faced with the sobering reality that our time here is short, and it may slip away without us fulfilling the things that bring us joy, & vitality. Often, all it takes is to listen to our deep reactions to things—what calls to us, what feels right at our core—whether it’s a walk in the park or taking a moment to look at the sky and notice the clouds or birds flying. Perhaps it’s writing poetry or picking up a paintbrush. These may sound like simple, even obvious things, yet they are so often overlooked. But these simple activities fill our souls, ground us, restore balance, and spark our creativity. They often open new doors, nourish us in unexpected ways, and help us see life through a new lens. They give us the opportunity to disconnect from our usual identity, exploring life in other ways. They give us the chance to also express different aspects of ourselves at a deeper level.

What’s important is having activities we enjoy simply for the sake of the process—just like when we were children, deeply immersed in play, creating imaginary worlds for ourselves, sometimes with minimal external stimulation. In those moments, we didn’t need distractions, we would even forget about food or anything else. We were completely absorbed, and this kind of engagement nurtures us in ways we often forget as adults. I often encourage people to take the time and space to reconnect with what truly matters to them, with those parts of themselves they’ve often silenced or neglected.

As part of this reconnection, it is vital to understand what brings them joy, meaning, and what fills them with energy. What would you do if you had the freedom to? If you weren’t afraid of failure, if you didn’t feel the need to be perfect? What did you enjoy doing as a kid that you no longer do? When was the last time you were creative or engaged in some form of play?What brings you joy at a deeper level? What if you started doing more of that?

I’m sure that no matter how busy we are, how difficult life is, we need to find time for these things. That it would have a meaningful impact on our well-being and on our overall experience of life.

These are just a few of the insights I wish more people knew. In upcoming articles, I’ll explore these ideas further and uncover new perspectives on related topics. Through this website and my YouTube channel, I’m excited to share lessons and tools that have shaped my journey, hoping they inspire and empower yours. Don’t miss out—subscribe to my newsletter for fresh updates, exclusive resources, and more opportunities to grow together!

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